If your toddler is not making eye contact, trust me, I know how you feel.
Maybe your experience is like mine. I barely noticed it happening, and then it was all I could see.
I’d call Zion’s name, and he wouldn’t look over. I’d hold him close, his face inches from mine, and his eyes wouldn’t meet my gaze. They’d go past me, to the window, to the light, to somewhere that wasn’t my face.
Once I noticed, I couldn’t stop noticing. Every meal turned into a small test I was quietly running. Every bath, every time I said his name across the room. I got very good at counting how many times I’d had to call before he looked.
If you’re reading this at eleven at night with a search bar open, here’s what I most want to say. Eye contact is one piece of a much bigger picture, and on its own it doesn’t mean the thing you’re most afraid it means. Children look at faces differently for all kinds of reasons, and plenty of those reasons aren’t about development at all.
What I can give you is the fuller picture: what eye contact actually is, when it typically shows up, what affects it, and what’s genuinely worth doing next if the feeling doesn’t go away.
When Lack Of Eye Contact Feels Like Regression
Most of what I found online treated eye contact as something a child either develops or doesn’t. Milestones, checklists, ages and stages.
None of that helped me, because Zion had developed what felt like perfectly normal eye contact… and then it was just… gone.
I have countless photos of him looking straight into the lens, smiling right at whoever was holding the camera. And then at some point, that stopped. Not on a day I could circle on a calendar. Somewhere in there, the looking-at-my-face part quietly went missing, and by the time I understood what I was seeing, I couldn’t tell you when it had started. I went back through my own camera roll trying to work it out.
If that sounds like your child, there are two things I think you should know.
Not being able to pinpoint when it started is completely ordinary. You weren’t looking for it because there was no reason to.
Skills get noticed when they arrive, not when they leave, and children change so much month to month that a quiet subtraction is easy to miss. There is absolutely no room for guilt if you didn’t notice it happening.
But this pattern, a skill that was clearly there and then wasn’t, is worth a phone call to your doctor rather than a wait-and-see.
Losing eye contact is something professionals want to hear about early, and it often comes alongside other quiet changes at around the same time. For us, name response went at the same time. I’d call and call, and Zion wouldn’t look my way.
If you’re waiting on an appointment, dates and specifics help more than you’d expect. Old photos and videos with timestamps and a rough note of what changed and when you noticed is valuable information.
Nobody expects you to have kept detailed records, but anything you can piece together is more than most parents arrive with.
✓ Never forget an important question
✓ Confidently advocate for your child
✓ Organize symptoms, medications, and observations
✓ Take clearer notes during appointments
✓ Leave with a plan for what’s next
WALK INTO EVERY DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT WITH CONFIDENCE.
Doctor’s appointments move quickly. It’s easy to forget important questions, leave with more confusion than answers, or remember everything you wanted to ask as you’re on your way home.
What eye contact actually is (and how much is normal)
When kids are small, we often think about eye contact as a quantity, like, more is good and less is bad. But that isn’t really how a medical professional looks at it.
Babies are drawn to faces from the start. A newborn can focus at about the distance between your face and theirs when you’re holding them, and faces are the thing they’d rather look at than anything else in the room. Somewhere around six to eight weeks, that turns into the thing most of us think of as eye contact: your baby finds your eyes, holds them, and smiles.
Then, sometime around nine to twelve months, something bigger happens. Your child starts using looking as a way of sharing.
That’s the change that actually matters at this stage, and it usually looks something like this:
- They see something interesting and look back at you to check whether you saw it too
- They follow your gaze when you look across the room
- They look where you point instead of looking at your finger
- They hold something up for you to see, then look at your face for a reaction
It has a clinical name. It’s called ‘joint attention.’ But the plain way to explain it is that your child has discovered that your attention is a separate thing from theirs, but they still want to share attention with you.
When someone assesses a young child, this is much closer to what they’re looking at than how many seconds of eye contact they can hold.
Steady, sustained eye contact isn’t the norm for anybody. Adults hold eye contact for a few seconds at a time, then break away, and we do so more when we’re thinking hard or feeling uncomfortable.
Children do the same. A child who’s tired, overstimulated, absorbed in a toy, in a loud room, or being reprimanded will give you less. None of that is a sign of anything.
Some other things that affect it, none of which are about development:
- Temperament. Cautious, watchful kids often look less, especially at people they don’t know well.
- Vision. Refractive problems, an eye that turns, and other vision issues all change how a child uses their eyes. This is easy to rule out with a visit to an optometrist.
So the question isn’t really “how much eye contact does my child make.” It’s whether they use looking to connect: to check in, to share something, to see how you reacted. A child can give you fairly little eye contact and still clearly be doing all of that. That’s a different situation from a child who isn’t.
Why a child might not make eye contact
When I was searching at night, every result seemed to point to the same answer. But the list of possibilities is longer than that.
- Hearing. A child who can’t hear you well won’t turn when you call. That can look a lot like a child who isn’t interested in faces. Ear fluid is common in small children and it comes and goes, so a child might respond well one day and not the next. A newborn screen or a quick check at the doctor’s office isn’t the same as a full hearing test with an audiologist.
Side Note: We could have waited approximately 6 months for an audiologist exam that was covered by our provincial health insurance, but we decided to pay around $200 for a private exam and skip the line. - Vision. It’s hard to spot vision problems in a child who’s too young to tell you what they can see. An eye that turns, or significant farsightedness, changes how a child looks at faces.
- Temperament and the moment. Some children are watchful and take their time with people. Almost every child gives less eye contact when they’re tired, hungry, overwhelmed, somewhere new, or in a bit of trouble. If that’s mostly when you’re seeing it, that’s useful to know.
- Language delay. Communication develops as a bundle. A child whose speech is behind often shows differences in gestures and eye contact at the same time. That can improve as language develops.
- Autism and other developmental differences. This is probably what you came here worried about, just like I was. Eye contact differences are part of the picture, but never the full picture on their own. The early signs of autism that professionals look at are extensive: whether a child shares attention, responds to their name, points and shows things, takes turns in play, how their language is developing, and how they handle change and sensory input, among others.
One practical thing about that last one.
You don’t have to wait for an assessment to start getting help. Wait times in Canada and in much of the world are long, but many helpful services can be implemented even without a diagnosis. Speech-language services, early intervention programs, and parent coaching generally accept referrals based on concern. Being on the pathway to evaluation is typically enough to get the support ball rolling in your favour.
Programs and eligibility differ by province, so check the pathway to access services for where you live.
The main thing is, start working on helping your child – don’t sit still while you wait.
What to watch for over the next two weeks
If you’ve decided something feels off, but you don’t have an appointment booked yet, this is what I’d do with that time.
Make notes. Notes help. When you finally sit across from a doctor or nurse, saying “he doesn’t really make eye contact” won’t be as helpful as providing specific moments when you’ve noticed it.
Pick a few things and jot them down as you go. Nothing formal.
- Name response. How many times do you have to call before your child looks? Does it change in a quiet room versus a noisy one? Does it change if you’re behind them versus in front of them?
- Sharing attention. When something interesting happens, does your child look back at you to see if you noticed? Do they bring you things to show you, or point at things they want you to look at?
- Following your lead. If you point across the room, do they look where you’re pointing, or at your hand?
- Eye contact in different moments. Is it different at bath time than at dinner? With you than with a grandparent? When they’re calm than when they’re excited or upset?
- Gestures. Waving, pointing, reaching up, nodding, shaking their head. These often tell a professional as much as words do.
- Anything that used to be there. Words, gestures, eye contact, name response. If something has dropped away, note it and roughly when you noticed.
A couple weeks of tracking is probably enough to see whether what you’re worried about is steady or comes and goes. Both answers will be useful to your doctor.
Take video if you can. A two-minute clip of an ordinary moment, playing on the floor or eating lunch, shows more than a long description. Children rarely do their usual thing in an appointment room.
And write down what your child does well, not just what’s worrying you. It’s easy to walk in with a list of problems and forget to mention the good things, too, like what makes them laugh, what they do respond to, or how they tell you they want to go outside. That’s part of the picture too.
If you want to track more formally, or you have other concerns you’d like to monitor, this Correlation Bullet Journal makes the process easy and approachable, and only takes about 5 minutes a day.
What you can do while you wait For An Appointment
For our family, losing eye contact and name responsiveness was just a small part of a bigger picture. The hardest part for me was waiting to see a pediatrician, and feeling like I was supposed to just watch and do nothing.
So, I didn’t ‘do nothing.’ And you don’t have to, either.
None of this requires a diagnosis or a professional, and none of it is therapy. It’s just some ideas of how to be with a child who isn’t looking at you much.
- Go to where they are. Instead of calling your child over, get down on the floor beside them. Face to face, at their level. You’ll be in their line of sight without asking them to do anything.
- Follow what they’re already interested in. If they’re interested in cars, get down on the floor and play with cars. If they really love pretending to be pirates, grab an imaginary sword and get involved in the play. Whatever they’re doing, join it rather than redirecting it. Interest is what pulls a child’s attention toward you.
- Say what’s happening instead of asking questions. “Big truck.” “You found the blue one.” Questions put a child on the spot, and if most of them go unanswered, it feels awful. Narrating just adds language to what they’re already doing.
- Use the things they already love. Bubbles, tickles, being swung around, peekaboo. Do it once, then pause and wait. Many children will use eye contact to ask for more.
Keep in mind, this isn’t to ‘fix’ anything if something is going on with your child. This is just about staying connected while you wait for someone to give you some help and some answers.
Where we are now
I’ll tell you how this went for us, with the caveat that our story isn’t a forecast for yours. Everyone’s journey will look different, and I want you to know that sometimes helping our kids takes us into spaces we never thought we’d have to go.
The doctors did find things. Our Zion losing eye contact wasn’t ‘nothing’, and I won’t pretend otherwise, because I remember how much I hated reading reassurance from parents whose child turned out to be fine.
We started early intervention even before we had PUF funding (Alberta early intervention, the program our family qualifies for). Since Zion had also lost his communication skills, we worked with a speech therapist for a time, but I don’t feel his speech therapy helped a lot at that time. Alongside traditional therapies, we also took a biomedical approach.
What I can tell you is that things started to change. Almost as quietly as Zion’s eye contact went away, it seemed to return.
Eye contact isn’t something I worry about now. He looks at me. I stopped counting how many times I’d called his name a long time ago, although sometimes, I find I do have to raise the volume of my voice to get his attention, especially if he’s lost in play.
That’s not a promise about your child; it’s simply my experience. But I spent a good stretch of nights believing what I was seeing then was permanent, and it wasn’t.
When To Call The Doctor
If you’ve read this far, you probably already know something feels off. Trust that – you are your child’s best advocate. Parents are usually right that something is going on.
I would book an appointment if any of these apply:
- Something your child used to do has stopped. Words, gestures, eye contact, turning to their name. This could be regression, and it’s important to have your child seen as soon as possible.
- They don’t respond to their name by 9-10 months.
- They aren’t pointing, showing, or waving by 18 months.
- There’s little back-and-forth. Smiles, sounds, or expressions that don’t get traded between you.
- Very few or no words by 16 months.
- You can’t shake that something is off. Weeks of the same worry is reason enough on its own.
The starting point is the same nearly everywhere: your family doctor or pediatrician. They’ll do an initial check and refer you on from there. Bring your notes and your video if you can.
Two things I’d ask for at that first visit, because they’re easy to skip and easy to rule out:
- A proper hearing test with an audiologist, not just the check in the office
- A vision assessment
If you leave feeling brushed off, don’t let that be the end of the discussion. Go back, or make an appointment with a new doctor. Plenty of parents are told to wait and see, but I firmly believe that this is bad advice. You’re allowed to be persistent, and let me give you permission to be. You don’t need to be polite about your own child.
Common Questions about Eye Contact In Children
No. Eye contact differences on their own don’t necessarily mean your child has autism. Hearing problems, vision problems, temperament, and language delay all affect it, and every child gives less of it when tired, overwhelmed, or in trouble. What matters is the wider pattern, not this one thing.
Most babies find your eyes and hold them around six to eight weeks. This might even happen as a newborn when feeding. The bigger milestone comes later, around nine to twelve months, when they start using looking to share: checking your face when something interesting happens, following your gaze, looking where you point.
Yes. Plenty of autistic children and adults make eye contact, some of them a lot of it. Missing this is one reason autistic girls in particular get diagnosed late.
It can. It did for us. But children are different and so are the reasons behind this, so nobody can tell you what will happen with yours. Just know that if eye contact disappeared, it isn’t automatically permanent.
Usually yes, depending on the scope of regression or accompanying symptoms. Each jurisdiction has their own criteria, so definitely see what your child might qualify for. Speech-language services, early intervention programs, and parent coaching often take referrals based on concern rather than diagnosis. Wait times can be long, so start the process asap rather than waiting for a label.
Additional Reading And Sources
CDC, Learn the Signs. Act Early.
- Milestones index: https://www.cdc.gov/act-early/milestones/index.html
- 9-month milestones: https://www.cdc.gov/act-early/milestones/9-months.html
- Checklists by age: https://www.cdc.gov/act-early/resources/milestones-checklist-by-age.html
Canadian Paediatric Society
- Early detection: https://cps.ca/en/documents/position/asd-early-detection
- Diagnostic standards: https://cps.ca/en/documents/position/asd-diagnostic-assessment
NHS — https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/signs-in-children/
American Academy of Pediatrics
Hyman SL, Levy SE, Myers SM, et al. Identification, Evaluation, and Management of Children With Autism Spectrum Disorder. Pediatrics, 2020;145(1):e20193447.
https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/145/1/e20193447/36917/Identification-Evaluation-and-Management-of
Mundy P, Block J, Delgado C, et al. Individual differences and the development of joint attention in infancy. Child Development, 2007.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2654237
